Things on Facebook today have prompted me to talk about this. And, with April being a month that supports talking about this, I feel it's a good time.
On the weekend of December 16th-18th, my kids were at their dad's house. On Saturday the 17th, I got a call from him saying that Gavin wouldn't stop crying about missing me and he asked if I was able to take him for the day. I didn't work so I said that was fine. When he dropped Gavin, my little man was so excited to see me. His dad told him, "You sure you don't want to be with us? We're going to go to Wahooz." Gavin still wanted to be with me. His dad was obviously irritated. And told me he just said they were going to Wahooz to make Gavin want to stay.
Gavin and I ended up spending the whole day holding each other, watching movies, and sleeping while snuggling. He wouldn't leave my side. His dad picked him back up that evening to stay the night at his house again.
On the 18th, my kids were scheduled to come home to me from their dad's house. I received a phone call from him about 4pm asking when he was suppose to drop them off. We agreed on 7 or 7:30pm.
A little after 5pm, I received a second call from him. I could hear Gavin crying and screaming in the back. When I answered, his dad was yelling at him, "SHUT UP AND EAT YOUR FOOD!!" When he stopped yelling and realized I had picked up, he informed me that Gavin was whining about missing me and refusing to eat his food. I asked to talk to him. Gavin was sobbing and could barely get words out. I told him that he needs to sit down and eat and he'll be able to come home soon.
A little after 6pm the kids arrived at my house. Their dad acted completely normal. We talked about what we would do as far as where the kids would be for Shia's birthday, the 22nd, and talked about when I needed him to pick them up because I was working. Totally normal.
I then took the kids to Pizza Hut, where my then boyfriend worked. While we were there, Gavin had to go to the bathroom. When I was helping him pull his pants back up, I saw a huge red mark on his leg. I asked him what happened and he told me, "Daddy got mad and spanked me." I was furious.
When I got home, I took off Gavin's pants and looked him over. I was mortified. My baby was covered in bruises. I started crying. And my son, perfect little angel that he is, started consoling me. He put his hand on me and said, "I'm sorry Mommy. I'm sorry I have these owies. I'm so sorry." I told him I was sorry he had those owies. I told him those are not his fault. I told him he is never to be sorry for someone hurting him. I told him I was sorry his daddy did that to him.
I asked him why Daddy spanked him. He said that it was because he, Gavin, was crying about missing me. And that he kept whining so daddy spanked him over the side of a chair, with a belt.
The facts break down to this:
My son was upset because he missed me. He was throwing a fit, crying, whining, etc. He refused to eat his food, and even threw some of it. His dad was apparently tired of hearing it and took my son and put him over a chair (where the mark on his stomach came from), held him down with one hand (where the marks on his neck and shoulder came from), and spanked the shit out of my son with a belt. He said he used his hand AND his belt to spank him. There were no marks on Gavin's bottom. Not one. Nor were there any marks on Shia, who was also spanked according to their father.
They have not been back to their dad's house since December 18th. I reported it first thing in the morning on the 19th. The investigation has been over since January. The detective turned the paper work into the prosecutors and it's been a waiting game to see if anyone will take the case. The detective told me that it'll be tough to get them to take it because they have to prove that he used excessive force on my son, because Idaho law allows you to hit your children, even with objects, as punishment.
My son was just barely 4 years old at the time. 4 years and 1 month. It took 2 whole weeks for those bruises to go away. The one on his calf made me burst into tears every time I saw it. I could just see the belt hitting my baby boy... because he missed me. He was beat because he missed his mommy. A 4 year old.
Gavin refuses to eat spaghetti now. That was what they had for dinner that night. That is the food he didn't want to eat because he just wanted to go home. He used to love spaghetti. And now, every time I've even suggested we have spaghetti for dinner, he starts crying and telling me he hates spaghetti and doesn't want any.
I have had to keep my availability completely open regardless of the fact that I no longer can have them go to their dad's on the weekends or evenings, when I frequently work, which is outside of daycare hours. I have had to make my mom watch them so I can work. But that won't work through the summer when my mom goes out of town for her audits. And I'm terrified to let them go back to their dad's without me or another responsible adult being there to ensure that he doesn't freak out on them. And who knows if, or when, he'll ever be charged with beating my child.
The point of sharing this is to show you child abuse happens all the time. You never know who will do it, or who it will happen to. We got lucky it was just bruises. Nothing broken. No cuts. We got lucky. Which is why I reported it. I can't let my baby get hurt again. I refuse to let anything happen to him like that again. And I refuse to allow the opportunity for that to happen to Shia. Abuse generally doesn't start with the worst scenario imaginable. It usually starts with small incidences. And escalates to more severe cases.
April is Child Abuse Prevention/Awareness month. I'm doing my part in getting people talking about this. Are you? It won't go away unless we are all aware of the problem and taking steps to stop it. Report any incidences you are aware of. Watch interactions more closely. Keep your eyes open.
It shouldn't hurt to be a child.
