I got married in May of 2004. I loved him more than anything in the world. I was about two months pregnant with Shia at the time we got married. He told me later he didn't want to get married, and felt that I forced him to. I thought that we loved each other and that it was what we were suppose to do. I wanted to spend my life with him. I would have done anything for him. He, however, wouldn't do the same for me, unless he was losing me.
I found out that the only time I meant anything to him was when he thought he would lose me. When he had me he was never around. He worked full time, but when he wasn't working he was either gone with "friends" or he was on his X-Box/Playstation. When we were together, we were fighting. Over money... over time he spent away... over stupid random shit. Every day.
Yes I had good times with him. Yes there are things that I miss. But I no longer love him. I can look at my life with him and see just how sad I was. I see pictures of myself from when I thought I was happy, and all I see is depression. He made my life very difficult. He cheated. He yelled. He blew our money. He was overly aggressive. I was scared of him. I always felt like I was walking on egg shells. I changed myself to try to make him happy. I did everything I could to try to stop the fighting.
We separated in 2006. I know I should not have gone back to him. But if I hadn't, I wouldn't have gotten my son. But when we separated again while I was pregnant with Gavin, I definitely shouldn't have gone back.
He came over one day telling me he got divorce papers. We hadn't even talked about finalizing anything. I was livid. I started yelling at him and told him to get out of my mom's house (where I had been living since Jan 2006). He wouldn't leave. I tried to force him out. And at one point, he shoved me to the ground. I was carrying Shia. And I was about five or six months pregnant with Gavin.
Just before I found out I was pregnant with Gavin, I found out about a different pregnancy. My husband was served papers for child support. The child was his ex girlfriend's son. And he was seven months younger than Shia. When I was seven months pregnant with Shia he told me that his ex had asked him if he would help her get pregnant because he was the only man she trusted and she wanted to have a baby. I told him no. In fact, I believe my words were, "FUCK NO. ARE YOU INSANE?!" Well, it turns out he asked me if he could "help her get pregnant" because he had already had unprotected sex with her while I was working 14 hour days and was, like I said, seven months pregnant with our first child.
You'd think all of that would have been enough for me. Any normal woman would have left. But I always want to believe in the good in people. He said he was sorry. He said he'd never hurt me again.
So many fights and stupid situations between then and when we separated. So many dented walls, cracked doors, holes in walls, bruises from being squeezed and smacked. And I just wanted him to love me. I just wanted us to make it.
When I told him I was leaving, he begged me to stay. Promised he would do whatever he could to make it better. Swore he'd do whatever I asked of him. I didn't go back. But not because I knew he wouldn't change. I didn't go back because I had told my mom I was leaving him and I wanted to finally keep my word to her about that. But around April 2011 I was so close to just giving up and going back. I had tried to move on from him with two other guys. The first got what he wanted and never talked to me again, until recently. The second made me feel amazing for almost two months. Made me feel like the princess I know I should be treated like. He shared so many wonderful things with me. His favorite thinking spot, his favorite food places, etc. And then he disappeared. He blocked me on Facebook out of the blue. It's been over a year since I talked to him. All of my sadness and confusion over those made me almost go back to my husband.
April 2011 I met Kekeluv. He was doing his annual Live for 175 (child abuse prevention program). First time I met him my husband was with me. Keke was amazing with my kids, as I expected. He was so sweet. And listening to him on the radio for that week I started to feel so guilty for even considering going back to my husband. All of the things he was doing to me was having an impact on my kids. Every time their dad put me down, made me cry, shoved me around, my kids were learning that it was okay for a man to treat a woman like that. And every time I had to tell my kids that daddy didn't mean to spank them as many times as he did, it was showing them that I was okay with how he treated them. I couldn't go back. I knew it would be the worst decision I ever made if I did.
I am not perfect. I lose my temper with my kids way more than I should. But I have NEVER left marks on them. And they know that I love them. We are working on the yelling thing. Gavin and I especially. We both yell when we are frustrated. So we're working on it together.
Without my husband I am a stronger person. I am back to being myself. I no longer cower down to please anyone else. I am me. I am strong. And I am single. As soon as I can afford a divorce, I will be divorced. I will never go back to him. And as of right now, he won't be seeing my kids any time soon. I will post on that later.
I love you!! You are a strong beautiful women!!
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